Welcome to Ask Tulsa Bae, where we take your questions on dating and romance, shake our heads mournfully at them, and pass them on to Corinne Gaston, our local dating expert. Got a question? Send it to dating@thepickup.com, or fill out our Google Form! Now, on to the column.
Dear Tulsa Bae,
Am I in love with the lady who works at the dry cleaner, or do I just see her every week? She is cute and very friendly to me, but I know a lot less about her and our compatibility than I would someone with a dating app profile, for example. I'm not even sure she's single. Is it appropriate to ask out a service worker? How can I gauge her interest without overstepping a boundary?
Yours,
Rip Van Wrinkle
Dear Rip Van Wrinkle,
It sounds like you’re a self-reflective and considerate person! You have a crush (I love a crush), but are also aware of the elements here muddying the waters: the fact that she’s in a service position, and that you don’t know her too well, or really at all.
There’s a lot written out there about women who work in customer service having their politeness and friendliness misinterpreted as flirting. And there will be plenty of sources telling you not to ask her out. I was originally on the fence, especially as a woman who previously worked as a server and tour guide. But I actually rewrote this entire response to say what felt right to me. And that is: ask her out.
Why? Because if no one ever asked anyone out, there would be no couples in modern dating!
Relationships forming requires someone to make a move, whether they happen in real life or on dating apps. It takes some nerve. And it requires risking a little failure.
Gauge her interest before taking the leap. Ask yourself: is she friendlier with you than other customers, or does she show the same level of customer service friendliness? Is she open to chatting when you come into the dry cleaners? If so, consider using that to build up a rapport with her in a casual way, before deciding if you’re going to pull the trigger on asking her out for that coffee. And if not, consider forgoing your enterprise until a rapport is built.
When and if you do it, ask her out for something low-pressure, like a coffee. And recognise that she may say “no” for whatever reason, and that things might end up feeling awkward between you two at a place where she works and you regularly frequent. Just be gracious and thank her for her time if she declines.
If she says “yes,” you’ll get to know one another a little better over that coffee and decide how you both want to proceed from there. That’s the beauty of dating: you get to discover if you’re compatible or not. You don’t need to know everything about someone before the first date. That’s what the first date is for!
Based on how you worded your question, you come off as a respectful person who will approach this thoughtfully. Wishing you luck. Let us know how it goes!
Dear Tulsa Bae,
How can I make myself seen and show others that I’m single and open to dating without relying on gimmicks or a damsel in distress mindset?
Yours,
Seen & Seeking
Dear Seen & Seeking,
I think it’s great that you’re ready to show others that you’re single and ready to mingle. Making sure that you’re actually open to meeting someone is an important step that many surprisingly don’t consider before jumping into the dating pool. Here are some ways that you show others that you’re open to dating while being natural and self-confident.
Firstly, adopt inviting body language. Nowadays, many of us walk around with headphones on and our faces buried in our phones. Blind to the world and possible connections around us. We may even be mean-mugging without realizing it. You can instantly increase your chance of meeting new people but simply being more present and open anytime you step outside your door. I recommend leaving the earbuds and sunglasses at home, and tucking your phone into your pocket. Make eye contact with people and smile when you speak to them. Soften your face, and keep your head up and your arms relaxed.
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Our phones are useful tools, but they really keep us from connecting with one another. So every time you’re in public and feel the need to pick up your phone to click between a bunch of random apps or open TikTok–resist. And see how much more you notice (and who you notice) by being present and open in the moment.
Instead of getting on your phone, find a reason to talk to people. Does small talk spook a lot of people? Yes. But an easy way you can show that you’re open to dating is by striking up conversations with new people.
Rely on the environment around you to inform what you’re going to say. Sitting at the bar? Ask the person next to you to pass a menu. Browsing art on First Friday? Ask the person in front of the same painting what they think.
Don’t sleep on small talk! It breaks the ice and creates possibility. And one of the nice things about Tulsa is how open people are to chit-chatting. We’ve got that midwest friendliness, after all.
So don’t be shy when it comes to talking to strangers. Not every chat will result in a connection beyond that moment, but you’ll grow more comfortable in talking to strangers, and could end up talking to someone with whom you develop a relationship (romantic or otherwise).
Also, consider the solo date. This might sound counterintuitive, but taking yourself out on dates is a great thing to do if you’re ultimately looking for someone else to take you out. Leaving your crew behind for a night and going to trivia, an art opening, or a workshop by yourself signals confidence! It also makes it easier for people to approach you, since they don’t have to worry about risking rejection in front of a gaggle of your girlfriends.
Pick solo dates based on activities that make you happy so that you’re feeling good when you’re out (and follow my rules of being open and making small talk). If you’re going out for dinner, sit at the bar instead of a table, and either sit next to someone you’re interested in or make sure there’s room next to you for someone to join. Who knows who you’ll meet!
Be sure you’re saying yes to things. It’s easy to say “no” to outings when you’re tired, but sometimes it’s worth getting dressed and making yourself go. So attend that event you’re on the fence about. I’ve made friends and met one of my partners by saying yes to random outings—some of which I almost skipped so I could stay horizontal on my couch and scrolling on social media with the tv on in the background. I’m glad I said yes and went outside.
One last thing: Enlist your friends. While they won’t be going on your dates for you, they can be some of your biggest supporters. Tell your inner circle you’re single and looking to pair up, so they can keep an eye out for your perfect match or play wingman at the next party you attend. I bet one or two of them are dying to play matchmaker for someone they cherish.
Contrary to popular belief, you don’t have to go to dating-specific events week after week to meet someone. When the time comes to put yourself out there, one of the best things you can do is leave your house and live your life doing things you love to do, and making the conscious decision to be present and open.
I hope that’s helpful, Seen & Seeking. Happy dating!
Got a question? Send it to dating@thepickup.com, or fill out our Google Form!
