Welcome to Ask Tulsa Bae, where we take your questions on dating and romance, shake our heads mournfully at them, and pass them on to Corinne Gaston, our local dating expert. Got a question? Send it to dating@thepickup.com, or fill out our Google Form! Now, on to the column.
Dear Tulsa Bae,
Is it not a curious paradox that so many people complain about online dating while simultaneously failing to fill out their profiles, contributing to the very cycle of frustration they claim to dislike?
Yours,
Burnt Reynolds
Dear Burnt Reynolds,
I’m not sure I’d call that a paradox. People who complain about dating apps aren’t necessarily the same ones with empty profiles. (Unless you’re talking about dating profiles that only say, “Dating apps suck. Give me a reason to delete this thing.” That’s boring; give us more!) But you point out a common frustration many have with online dating. Hell, I’ve had it too.
Online dating is a demoralizing experience for a lot of people: low-effort conversations, limited options, ghosting, catfishing, or even no matches at all. But meeting online is one of the most common ways couples meet, and according to a 2019 report by Stanford sociologist Michael Ronsenfeld, “heterosexual couples are more likely to meet a romantic partner online than through personal contacts and connections.” So something about the apps is working at least for that portion of the population!
Since online dating arguably offers the biggest dating pool, I imagine people who dislike the apps yet choose to use them feel resigned to doing so. They download (or redownload) the apps and try to “see what’s out there” without committing too much time and energy. Maybe they download Hinge in a burst of energy, and then quickly lose inspiration. If you’re looking to date seriously, I can see why you’d get tired of being on the receiving end of this cycle.
I’m old enough to remember the OKCupid heyday when people practically wrote novels on their profiles. There was no swiping involved, and using the platform felt like you were truly discovering real people by reading and learning more about them. These days, on Tinder, Hinge, and Bumble, you’re often lucky to get more than a few blurry photos and “swipe left if you’re here to play games.” (As if the gameplayers are actually going to self-select out!)
For your own sake when it comes to dating, don’t waste your energy focusing on low-effort or negative profiles. Empty profiles lead to empty conversations. I once matched with a guy who complained in his profile about wanting women to hold up their side of the conversation on the apps. That should have been my sign to disengage, but I was young and hardheaded and wanted to be proved wrong.
His opener? “Hey.” His replies to my questions? One or two words. He didn’t ask me any questions. I unmatched him.
Focus on what you can control. You can’t make people who aren’t filling out their profiles add more about their lives, but you can fill out your profile in a way that shows your personality and vibrancy, and look for people doing the same. Someone who takes time to showcase their personality is probably more invested than someone hiding behind “I’m an open book. Ask me anything.”
In short, ignore the complainers, skip the low-effort profiles, and don’t get sucked into their cycle of frustration. Look for effort, positivity, and signs of real human interest, and bring the same energy yourself.
Dear Tulsa Bae,
Where do people over 30 who don't drink alcohol go to meet others, especially when they feel shut out of the traditional bar scene?
Yours,
Sober The Limit
Dear Sober The Limit,
I hear you, and you’re definitely not alone! Once you stop drinking, it becomes readily apparent how much socializing revolves around alcohol. And yet, looking back, I realize I haven’t met a single guy I’ve dated in a bar. In Tulsa, I met my partners through friend groups, a Facebook Marketplace meet-cute (let me know if you want that story), and Hinge.
Besides, many Millennials and Gen Z are reportedly cutting back on drinking, so you’re far from the odd one out. Instead of hitting the bar on Friday night, more Millennials are going to bed early and hitting the running club in the morning. (At least, that’s the aspiration.)
The good news is that there are tons of places you can meet people that aren’t bars. Think running clubs like Runnit Tulsa or Fleet Feet, dance classes like Sunday Salsa on the Green, one of the many book clubs through bookstores like Fulton Street and Magic City Books, co-working spaces, networking events, poetry open mics, that sort of stuff. If you have an “organizer” friend (one of those rare unicorns who actually—gasp!—gathers their friends for events and parties), attend their events, where you’ll meet friends of friends in an organic, low-pressure way. Being confident and comfortable in your own skin and being out and about helps; people do still approach strangers in public, even if it’s less common than it was in the ’80s.
There are also more sober and sober-curious groups and events are popping up, not just around the country, but specifically in Tulsa. Sober Girls Tulsa comes to mind. If you’re not a woman, maybe there’s one that’s gender neutral or for guys out there. Even better, start one.
If your time to socialize is limited, using dating apps or focusing your time and energy on one activity can be a practical move. Find an interest you love (Tennis? Improv? Rock climbing?) and join a group that doesn’t meet at a bar: think a chess club or a writing group. Try volleyball, kickball, kickboxing, dance, meditation, yoga, breathwork—anything that encourages interaction or community. Certain health-focused or spiritual groups may be more likely to lend themselves to sobriety. Additionally, Creative Mornings, hackathons, volunteering, and community talks are events where conversations with new people are actively encouraged, and drinking isn’t a factor.
Strike up conversations wherever you go with just the intent to talk to different people. Importantly, don’t do so with the intent to date them; just see if they’re interested in talking! You might make a friend, you might make a date, you might never see them again. It’s all good.
You could also try getting a dog. I’m 95% kidding, but my friend has the cutest Dachshund and gets stopped all the time by fellow dog lovers to chat. Also, it’s far less weird to go to the dog park when you have your own.
Ultimately, there are plenty of options to be social while doing what you genuinely enjoy. Attend events, join groups, make friends, and take the initiative to strike up conversations. You don’t need a bar to meet interesting people or make connections, and, believe me, plenty of 30-somethings are feeling similarly in Tulsa. Go forth!
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