Dear Tulsa Bae,
When is an “I’m moving on” text warranted in online dating, and when is it not? For a long time, society rallied against ghosting: completely dropping contact after things were seemingly going well. Over the years, people became more respectful, or at least became afraid of being seen as a ghoster, so they started sending “I had a great time, but I’m no longer interested” messages. Now, it’s seemingly bending the other way, with people online getting frustrated at getting those “moving on” texts after a date with mutual uninterest.
The other day, I got a message about not feeling a connection after only about a half dozen messages exchanged, on the same day we matched. Where’s the line of ghosting and letting conversations/connections naturally die out? My personal rationale is if you’ve met in person at least once, and they reach out but you’re no longer interested, you should tell them as much; but if a date hasn’t been proposed, or you’ve gone on a date but they haven’t reached out to you since, it’s okay to move on without announcing to them that you’re no longer interested, but I’m open to other opinions.
Yours,
Eyewitness Dating
Dear Eyewitness Dating,
You’re right. It does seem like the pendulum has swung hard from the wild west days of rampant ghosting towards overcommunicating disinterest. I won’t argue with you there.
We’re of the same mind about the timing of the “I’m not feeling a connection, but best of luck!” text. If you’ve met in person and they reach out again to express interest, it’s considerate to respond with a brief and clear message saying that you’re no longer game. Even if you haven’t gotten off the app, if the other person keeps actively messaging and is clearly engaged when you’re not, I think it’s appropriate (and frankly kinder) to just say so. But if the conversation fizzles out on the app or you go out on one date and they never follow up, there’s no need for a formal farewell.