Dear Tulsa Bae,
When is an “I’m moving on” text warranted in online dating, and when is it not? For a long time, society rallied against ghosting: completely dropping contact after things were seemingly going well. Over the years, people became more respectful, or at least became afraid of being seen as a ghoster, so they started sending “I had a great time, but I’m no longer interested” messages. Now, it’s seemingly bending the other way, with people online getting frustrated at getting those “moving on” texts after a date with mutual uninterest.
The other day, I got a message about not feeling a connection after only about a half dozen messages exchanged, on the same day we matched. Where’s the line of ghosting and letting conversations/connections naturally die out? My personal rationale is if you’ve met in person at least once, and they reach out but you’re no longer interested, you should tell them as much; but if a date hasn’t been proposed, or you’ve gone on a date but they haven’t reached out to you since, it’s okay to move on without announcing to them that you’re no longer interested, but I’m open to other opinions.
Yours,
Eyewitness Dating
Dear Eyewitness Dating,
You’re right. It does seem like the pendulum has swung hard from the wild west days of rampant ghosting towards overcommunicating disinterest. I won’t argue with you there.
We’re of the same mind about the timing of the “I’m not feeling a connection, but best of luck!” text. If you’ve met in person and they reach out again to express interest, it’s considerate to respond with a brief and clear message saying that you’re no longer game. Even if you haven’t gotten off the app, if the other person keeps actively messaging and is clearly engaged when you’re not, I think it’s appropriate (and frankly kinder) to just say so. But if the conversation fizzles out on the app or you go out on one date and they never follow up, there’s no need for a formal farewell.
I can’t really weigh in on your six-message match since I’m not privy to the specifics, but I understand your frustration, and perspective that their final message was overkill. I can imagine getting an “I’m not interested” text after six messages and thinking, “well damn, alright.” A half dozen messages isn’t enough time to get a real inkling of who someone is; that’s already tough enough to figure out through dating apps, which flatten us from whole individual humans into a few photos and quippy icebreaker answers.
Dating has natural ebbs and flows. It’s never going to be clear cut, because we’re dealing with people and matters of the heart. It gets messy.
Even though a promising match going nowhere sucks, we need to be adults about it. We should take the hint when someone is not interested in us, whether we receive a notarized memo or get ghosted. And on the other end, we can let things rest without overcommunicating and closing a door too soon. Sending that message too early in the talking stage can prematurely kill something that might have grown if allowed a little breathing room. It’s normal to lose momentum early on in dating conversations, and it’s hard to stir the embers of a dormant conversation when you’ve slammed the door in someone’s virtual face. (My caveat: if the person you’re chatting with has said something disrespectful, concerning, or totally incompatible, it’s fine to move on and not feel badly about it in my book. Exit swiftly and guilt-free.)
Here’s my framework:
Matched, but the chat fizzled out? Let it fade. No one needs a “moving on” memo from a dating app match. Plus, you never know how that person will look to you in six months. Have some patience.
One or two dates, no follow-up from them, and you’re not interested? Leave it. If they’re not following up with you, it’s possible—and even likely!—that they’re not interested either. You don’t need to make things more complicated by reaching out to solidify it. Let it go.
One or two dates, they do follow up, and you’re not feeling it? Send a short, clear message like “Thanks again for the date. I didn’t feel a romantic connection, but I wish you the best.” A little sterile? Sure. But it’s better than leading someone on: let them know so that they can go find someone who’s great for them!
Generally, though, if a romantic prospect keeps reaching out to you, don’t ignore them! Respond in a way that’s kind and is clear on your stance. (However, if someone is repeatedly crossing your boundaries, well…the Block button exists for a reason!)
All of that said, I’d caution against getting too rigid or dogmatic with “dating rules.” Everyone has their own dating gospel: Wait an hour before messaging your new Hinge match to see if she messages first! Cancel a date to show your suitor that you’re busy and in high demand! Never double text! It’s exhausting. Don’t bother with it. Blindly following someone else’s dating rules, or expecting others to follow yours, can lead to unnecessary disappointment and missed opportunities.
The same applies here when it comes to sending an “I’m moving on” message. Have your own guidelines that you follow, but accept that others may not. People will operate by their own rules, hangups, or bandwidth. Like I said, I agree with your rationale, but others in the dating pool might not!
Ultimately, I think people should think about the “why” behind sending the message more than agonizing over the perfect timing. If they’re sending it to offer (kind) clarity or close the loop for the other person, go for it. If it’s just to soothe anxiety or cut things off before they’ve had a chance to breathe, it might be better to let the chat rest and leave the door cracked open. You never know.
