Welcome to Ask Tulsa Bae, where we take your questions on dating and romance, shake our heads mournfully at them, and pass them on to Corinne Gaston, our local dating expert. Got a question? Send it to dating@thepickup.com, or fill out our Google Form! Now, on to the column.
Dear Tulsa Bae,
I wanted to get your thoughts on the Anxious and Avoidant attachment relationship and how to best navigate it pre- and post-breakup.
Thanks,
Attached
Dear Attached,
If you’re reading this in the middle of a breakup, or bracing for one, I’m really sorry. That’s a tender place to be. And if you’re not, your question tells me you’re at least trying to make sense of an unbalanced and possibly emotionally painful situation, since both anxious and avoidant attachment types come from wounded places.
Attachment theory has exploded into the mainstream over the past decade, and it can be a useful lens, but it can also become a distraction if we use it to pathologize ourselves or our exes too much instead of tending to what actually hurts. Because of that, I won’t rehash everything about attachment theory here. But my shorthand take on the anxious/avoidant dynamic is this: both are rooted in abandonment, just expressed differently.
Anxiously attached people often abandon themselves to keep a relationship, ignoring their own needs and boundaries, because they are deeply afraid of being left. Avoidantly attached people abandon others (and themselves, when it comes down to it) to avoid feeling overwhelmed, because they fear losing their sense of self in a relationship. Anxious and avoidant partners are two sides of the same coin, and together they often create relationships rife with tension and confusion. One partner feels neglected; the other feels burdened. Each tries to get their needs met in a way that triggers the other’s wound. Spoiler: neither ends up getting their needs met.