On Tuesday, the Drillers debuted their newest identity for a series of games on May 16-17 and August 13-14: The Ranch Dippers. And I am here to argue to you that this little guy… well, he’s a sick pervert.
Look at him:
My God, the Dionysian hedonism! How thrilled he is to be devoured! How delighted I am, he says with his larger-than-pepperoni eyes and his Nickelodeon grin, to be subsumed into the very substance which will lubricate my slide into oblivion!
Now, look. I’m exaggerating. He’s not that perverted. It’s not like the Drillers released a video taken inside a Mazzio’s (the corporate partner for this Drillers identity) showing a family being served plates of calzone and cheese sticks covered in ranch, and being served a multi-gallon mixing bowl full of the substance, which they greedily plunge their hands directly into.
Wait.
Goddammit.