Look. I respect all of you, waiting in line as you head south on Lewis towards 11th, where it narrows into one lane. You’re all very nice, and decent, and you probably tell old ladies with three items to go ahead of you in line at the grocery store.
But not me. When I hit that lane narrowing, I’m driving in the right lane to the very front of the line, and I’m waiting until one of you revs up oh-so-slowly to move forward, and I’m darting in there like an orca taking a shot at a billionaire’s yacht. That’s right, fuckers: I’m zipper-merging.
In fact—and at great risk of losing my own personal advantage—I suggest we all start zipper-merging at southbound 11th and Lewis. (This is not an official traffic pronouncement. Do not sue me if you screw this up.)
Zipper-merging is where, when you see a LANE ENDS MERGE LEFT sign, instead of immediately changing lanes, you allow yourself, by slow grace and patient fortitude, to keep driving to the front of the line, and slowly, once the person in the lane opposite you has merged, you move forward. The left lane goes; the right lane goes; the left lane goes; the right lane goes. That’s why it’s called a zipper.
When the traffic is slow, which it always is right there (because it was, in my and others' opinions, narrowed in order to allow NOMA residents to flaneur around an intersection which is constantly thronged by cars, a thing that is patently not going to happen), it’s going to make a lot more sense, keep the traffic backup low, and reduce road rage, to zipper-merge instead of everyone moving to the left at once. This way, no one turning west from the northbound side has to turn into a veritable wall of Jericho, risking life and limb to get to King’s Way Wings.
I’m just an armchair urbanist and can only tell you what works for me. But it works for me a lot better than waiting in that left lane like a schlub. Anyway, I’m off to drive south, very slowly, very respectfully. See you guys later.
