I’m not what you’d call a haunted house veteran. When I was seven, I went to a disastrous HallowZOOeen where, dressed in a mermaid costume, I alternated between closing my eyes and being very polite to the performers so they wouldn’t smell my fear. My mermaid tail fell off, and I had to go back through the haunted house to find it, which effectively put me off haunted houses forever. In high school, the only one I knew of was The Nightmare at GUTS Church. And even at my tender age, the ethics of its abortion room seemed questionable. (It closed for good during the pandemic. Rest in piss.)
All that to say, since that ill-fated HallowZOOeen episode, it’s been 22 years since I stepped foot in a haunted house, but this year, I felt ready to try again, this time at the Castle of Muskogee’s Halloween Festival. And while we might be done with Halloween for the year, this fest isn’t done with me.
I’ll admit, my expectations weren’t high. I love the Castle’s ren faire, but part of loving ren faire is acknowledging that it’s low-key shitty. Like you go to watch the jousting for 20 minutes, have people accost you in bad British accents, admire the hawks, and spend most of your time browsing through overpriced shops. You also are usually sweating so much that it makes everything even less exciting.
The moon was nearly full and hidden behind a spooky haze as my friends and I drove to Muskogee. I had my Fright Combo purchased, and I had set my intention: to go through four of what the festival describes as its “most intense scare experiences, designed to push your fear limits.” I was picturing Spirit Halloween meets the Middle Ages with some actors jumping out when I was coming around the corner.
During the drive, my friends discussed what would actually scare them in a haunted house, including “Pigman and a room full of meat hanging on hooks” and “walking up stairs with an alligator behind me.” Against the odds, these visions turned out to be foreshadowing.
My first impressions of the fest were mixed. The parking was actually pretty painless, and I did love all the lights and decor. I also felt like a celebrity because my friends had pitch-perfect Dungeon Crawler Carl costumes, and three people stopped us to ask for pictures. In the park proper, however, they were blasting a bizarre playlist featuring Backstreet Boys and “Mambo No. 5,” and the friends we were meeting up with reported they’d been waiting in line for an hour. The online map had all AI-generated images for the attractions, which put a bad taste in my mouth.